Fraying Edges | Depression Help

Cynicism Can Suck In The Happiness Stakes!

I am a cynic. No question about that. If anyone makes me an offer on anything, my first thought is always “What’s in it for them?”

When I studied Freudian Psychology at school, one of the first things which really rang a bell with me was that the human psyche is based upon motivation - an inherent need to survive by looking after oneself first (and yes I know that’s a very simplistic version of Freud’s theories, but this post isn’t about that).

You see, life up until then had given me reason to feel this way. Yes, we can love someone dearly and care for their wellbeing very much, but this is not pure unselfish love, because if anything happened to that person, it would make us feel bad.

When I look at politicians telling us their proposals are ‘for the good of all’, my reaction is, “Oh sure. Like we don’t know that you are in this for the money/power/egoism or whatever…”

When a doctor prescribes me a new antidepressant saying “I’ve read very good reports on this one.” My question is, “Yeah, but who produced those reports? Employees of the pharmaceutical company making these drugs?”

In fact, when I see or hear anyone telling me that something is ‘for my good’, my cynical mind clicks in and says, “How on earth do you know what is for my good… unless of course you are basing your assumptions on what is good for you.”

And cynicism has stood me in good stead up till now. In some ways…

Sure, it is very difficult for someone to cheat me (although many still try) and my assessment of the underlying meanings of words is usually proved right.

But does being a cynic make me happy?

I’m not so sure…

Being able to ’see through the crap’ does please me, it’s true. And being able to see beneath the surface can often be good when you are trying to help someone deal with their own distress. And I guess being able to write critical articles and have people say they are good does give me pleasure too…

And I have learned to take complements. At one time, if anyone paid me a complement, my first thought was “why are they saying this?” Now I just say thanks and it feels a whole lot better.

Nowadays I have learned that people can actually be nice because basically they are nice. After all, being nice can make you feel better…

But the underlying principle of my critical (and often personal) thought tends to be “What has motivated this person to do this/say this?”

And when you are trying your best to be a friendly, sociable person, that cynical attitude kinda sucks, because it is like you are viewing everything through a grey mesh of doubt.

And we all know which end of the colour spectrum grey is at…

So is my continued cynical attitude adding to my tendency to depression? Should I try to accept more and criticise less and hope this makes me a happier person? Isn’t it good sometimes just to trust?

Or in today’s World would you say that viewing life with cynicism has to be the only course of action to trust?

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Why Trying To Understand Depression Does Not Work

If someone you love is suffering from Major Depression, how do you cope? And how do you move beyond the stress of dealing with depression in the family, to helping the depressed person themselves?

You can read books on the subject; perhaps pick up pamphlets at your local health centre, or go online to look for more help. But most of these guides will tell you the same thing:

• The person suffering from major depression cannot help being the way they are.

• And you should encourage them to seek medical help.

The advice might go on to tell you to try to be patient and understanding; try to get them to talk about it. But how the hell can you ‘understand’ something you cannot relate to at all? And what if they do not want to talk?

Perhaps you should take a look inside the mind of someone suffering from major depression. But I warn you, it’s a scary place…

Major Depression makes us self-centred; not deliberately so, as most of us who suffer from depression have little choice. We are lost inside the black pit of depressed thoughts and it consumes all our waking hours (and often our irratically edgy sleep too).

The only thing we care about (if ‘care’ is the right word) is finding some relief:

• Something to help us get past this time unscathed.

• Maybe something to ‘knock us out’ until the black cloud has lifted (I have actually imagined how good it would be to go into a coma until the cloud has passed).

• Something to suck the blackness out of our minds (a gigantic vacuum cleaner springs to mind…).

• Something to help us relax.

• Something to help us sleep.

See what I mean? Where are ‘concerns for those around us’ within these thoughts? They are nowhere to be found.

Our minds are completely focused within the blackness. And, luckily for you, within that blackness you do not exist.

Understand now what I mean by being self-centred?

And as to ‘telling you about it’. Why would we want to put into words what is eating us up? Isn’t it bad enough that we are feeling depression in every core of our being? Do you really want us to make it even worse by describing it?

In any case, for many of us, Major Depression is beyond words.

Of course, that is only my description of some of the thoughts going through my head when I have been suffering from Major Depression (and I can only express these in hindsight). Every sufferer will have their own experience of this. Which makes the mind of a depressed person even harder to understand.

Understanding is a bit of a cliché in my opinion. You can try, and I would definitely give you credit for attempting this. But I think you would fail.

So, as someone trying to cope with your loved one’s major depression, I guess all you are left with is trying to be patient and loving, and making sure the sufferer seeks medical help.

Sorry, that wasn’t much help, was it? Maybe those text books on ‘helping someone with depression’ are right after all when they don’t go into details that much…

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Why Forgiveness Can Be A Shallow Concept
I remember reading somewhere that each time you forgive, or contemplate forgiveness, you begin to see how profoundly you have been colouring and therefore affecting all of your relationships. Thus, the saying goes, ‘you can heal yourself by forgiving’.

Therefore, a teleological response would be. “If we can forgive, then we are well on the way to coping better with our depression.” After all (and apart of course from the chemical aspects of depression), isn’t part of our depressed state of mind about feeling we are ‘not worthy’ in some way?

And wouldn’t it be nice to find something which works in healing ourselves?

I touched upon this in my post about anger and depression, but today I was going through some old notes on my pc (collected from where I really do not know) and I found this:

1. Forgiveness is the essential key to healing.
2. The opposite of forgiveness is judgment.
3. Judgement always creates separation and guilt.
4. When you have judged, you have moved out of alignment with what is true.

I also found this old quote:

“If we build up resentments, bitterness and anger, our hearts suffer, we attract the same negative qualities in people and also situations.

It is a step by step process and not easy steps to take. You can gain strength through the action of forgiveness, open your heart to others and feel inner calm and peace. Free, at last.”

Hmmm…

Forgiveness is an emotion which plays a huge part in our development as human beings. Of course it is. And it can be hard to forgive and we do judge. But is it really as simple as that? Does being unable to forgive in all circumstances really harm us emotionally?

I know there have been times when I have struggled to forgive others for their hurtful acts, but I can usually manage this. Do I feel happier for it? More ‘at peace with myself’? Not really, just philosophical I guess. S*** happens. We move on…

However, in times I could never entirely forgive, I have to say that, yes, I have judged, but in doing so, I have accepted that I am not at fault for the action undertaken or the hurt caused.

So yes, I have judged, but in doing so, I have not had to forgive myself. There is no need. I do not feel bad about this, or feel that I am harming myself emotionally. It just is…

Because forgiving oneself is, in my opinion, the hardest forgiveness of all.

We make enough mistakes every day. We can cause hurt to others just by opening our mouths (or not opening them when we should). So we have to apologise and try our best to make amends. And yes, we can beat ourselves up over this and harm ourselves emotionally (and when we are depressed this is too darn easy to do…).

And sometimes it is hard to forgive ourselves then. But most of the time (and when we are in the right frame of mind) we do.

But sometimes, some things are just too hard or too horrible to forgive.

So why should we beat ourselves up for not forgiving in these circumstances?

Isn’t it right sometimes not to forgive?

And isn’t learning to understand and accept ourselves for who we are, better for us emotionally than trying to be someone we are not?

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Depression Can Lead To Loneliness And Isolation

My post about the setbacks I faced when defining my life goals received some excellent responses. Thank you everyone. Your contributions to that post not only gave me much needed empathy and food for thought, but provided helpful advice for others too. It’s always good to have more than one person thinking about these things. It gives everyone fresh perspectives. So thank you

One of the commenters was Monica Mundell, who writes the excellent blog for Freelance Writers The Writers Manifesto. Monica spoke of her own depression and her comments are actually the inspiration for this and a later post.

At the end of her comment, Monica said I could contact her if I ever wanted a chat because I was feeling down. And do you know what my immediate thought was?

“That is a very kind thought, but I couldn’t do this. Monica is busy with her own work and a hectic life. It just wouldn’t be fair to take up her valuable time with my moans.”

And it struck me then just how lonely I can make myself when I am depressed. I’ll tell you why I think that is.

When We Are Depressed It Is Hard To Reach Out

Sometimes when we are depressed we feel too tired to even contemplate reaching out for help. It is all we can do to get out of bed, leave alone communicate with someone else.

When someone suffers from depression they get used to be misunderstood. It is not unusual for family and friends to ignore the depressed person (rather like when someone is grieving, many people say nothing to them, not because they want to be unkind, but because they simply do not know what to say). Others will tell them in a number of different ways to ‘just snap out of it’, but of course they cannot.

Either way, someone suffering from depression grows to expect rejection. So many of us close down communications with others, rather than face further suffering. And thus over time we begin to fear reaching out for help.

Others who suffer from depression feel ‘inferior’ in some way, or carry a huge sense of guilt. Many feel unworthy of respect and even attention. So they too hold back from reaching out for help.

When we are depressed our comments are often negative and self-focused. We can reach out for help, but we haven’t the strength to offer anything in return. We can place a dark cloud over any conversation, which can make the person we are talking to feel almost as down as we do ourselves.

So, once we recognize this, we choose next time not to reach out.

Depression can also make us feel anger. We want to lash out at people. If we do communicate with others, we can be harsh and even cruel. People get hurt. Even those who understand the reasons behind our behaviour will tend to avoid us, until we are in ‘a better mood’. So we make ourselves isolated by our actions. And slowly we learn that it’s better not to reach out for help when we are feeling angry and depressed.

I’m sure you may think of a few more reasons why we find it difficult to reach out for help when we are suffering from depression.

As for me, going through these reasons helps. I know now I am not just being ‘an anti-social cow’ when I do not want to communicate with others because I am depressed. All the examples I gave above were from my own feelings at different times and I can see now just why I react in these ways. I am not a lesser person for doing so. I just happen to get depressed.

It sure gets lonely though, being this way. So next time when I am feeling low, I just might reach out.

Thank you Monika

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