Bad day for depression
May 20th, 2008 by zania
I have not been sleeping well lately. In fact, most of the time I have not been sleeping at all. I work on the net and sometimes I just keep going, writing stuff for different blogs, until I am completely exhausted. but by that time I am too exhausted to sleep. and it is usually daylight by that time anyhow.
So I make a cup of coffee. Take a quick break, and then get on with some more online work. And I feel so damned depressed!
I don’t know whether the depression is causing the insomnia, or whether too much work is causing the depression, or whether too much work is causing the insomnia which is making me feel depressed…
All I know is that I am dreadfully tired, I cry at the slightest thing, and at this present time, although I am working my ass off, I don’t feel like there’s really any point in it.
And I know where this is going to end up…
You see, one of the main symptoms of my type of depression (whatever type that is) is that I work manically (yeah, I know..) at a project until I am exhausted, down and depressed and probably physically unhealthy to boot. And then I sabotage it. Yeah, just like that!
Life for me is a constant roller coaster of ups and downs. And at this point I guess you are thinking that the psychiatrist was right - that I am bipolar. But I’m not convinced. Certainly not convinced enough to take the type of anti-depressive crap my last psychiatrist wanted to dish out when he diagnosed me as bipolar.
I don’t want to be a zombie with no feeling for life. I like the highs. At those times I can almost do anything (and that’s not self-delusion either - if I set my mind to achieving something when I’m on a high I usually can). I don’t want to lose that feeling of confidence. I don’t want to be down and depressed all the time. Not exhausted, but still depressed.
And I am convinced that is exactly how I would feel on that medication. So sod the lows, I’ll wait for the next high.
But in the meantime, I am in severe danger of sabotaging everything I have worked for and achieved in the last few months, because I am so exhausted and down right depressed.
My partner has already noticed the signs - the inwardness, the sleeping at strange times, the complete lack of interest in anything, including the work which has made us a good living for the last few months. He knows that big black cloud of major depression is on the horizon. And he also knows there is nothing he can do to stop it.
And if he reads this he’ll feel even worse.
And then we will both be depressed…
