Depression and Disorientation
May 27th, 2008 by zania
I live in a strange land. It’s a beautiful land, warm and atmospheric, but I was born and grew up somewhere else. I feel disoriented here and that is not helping me deal with my depression. In fact, this disorientatin could be making me feel more depressed.
There is plenty of sunshine here. Sunshine is supposed to help you cope with many forms of depression. If you live somewhere where the sun doesn’t shine all that much, you could end up feeling depressed, particularly during the winter months. This has been diagnosed as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).
The sun shines here nearly every day. Walking in the sunshine does help me feel less depressed for a while, but soon after I go back indoors, the black cloud of depression settles right on down over my head again. And one of the reasons for this is that I miss ‘home’.
Sometimes we listen to Radio One (UK radio station) on the pc. When I was living in the UK, I was a regular listener to DJ Chris Moyles’ morning show. It used to make me laugh while I was getting ready to go to work. Now when I listen to this program living here, it sometimes makes me cry. Not because it is sad, but because it reminds me that I miss all the things which went with listening to that show. Rushing about to go to work and then talking to people at work, in my own language, and knowing what was going on.
Where I live is lovely. People are friendly. They laugh a lot. But half the time I do not understand what they are laughing about. I miss my home, my friends, and most of all my family back in the UK. And that is probably why my depression is getting worse.
So why not go back there?
Because we sold up everything when we moved out here. It was going to be a new start.
When I go back there to visit, I have to sleep on someone’s camp bed or living room couch. It’s not exactly comfortable. It’s not my home any more.
And when I go back, I miss my husband who stays here in our ‘new country’. I worry that he is not eating ok, or driving carefully enough. If I don’t hear from him by phone at least once a day I get paranoid. I can hardly wait for the time when I can fly ‘back home’. Even though it isn’t really my home at all.
So basically, I think my depression is made worse by not feeling like I have a place anywhere any more.
I guess in time this feeling will fade and then, hopefully, I will feel less depressed.
I just hope it’s soon.
hi frayingedges blog writer,
I stumbled upon your blog and read several of your posts. I wouldn’t say that I suffer from depression, although I have several family members that do, but I do often suffer from a similar symptom…loneliness. I get this feeling most when I’m away from home. But I often get it at home, because I just can’t relate to the people around me.
The sunlight does help, and I bike a lot (often by myself of course) and that makes me feel good. But sometimes its just like a big slap in the face when people are talking and you just want to yell “shut the hell up you freakin idiots”, but you smile and say “yeah, uh-huh”. Do you know what I mean?
Well, best of luck, and keep writing away. Feel free to write or email me.
Hi Brian,
thanks for visiting and for reading my ramblings.
I’ve been over to your blog and read a few entries. I see you like to study different philosophies and religions and describe yourself as ‘a sceptical westerner’ - that sums me up too
Love the photography by the way. And those self portraits. You didn’t mention what the last one was about. Well that particular shot, for me, sums up loneliness quite well..
Self-determined, self-aware, but on your own.
Or maybe I am reading too much there…
And I know just what you mean about not being able to relate to those around you - even when they speak the same language as you. I often want to yell ’shut the hell up’ too. But that’s not very sociable, is it ?
Thinking about it from that perspective, maybe it is good sometimes to live in a land where I don’t completely understand the language. At least I can switch off to it for a while
@Brian again,
by the way, I tried to comment on your blog but ended up with a blank page.
It may be that the comment is being moderated (in which case I have made a similar comment twice…).
Never mind, I’ll be over there again some time