Depression, Diagnosis and Treatment - when it does not seem to help
May 18th, 2008 by zania
I have been diagnosed as suffering from Dysthymia. I have also been diagnosed as Bipolar, suffering from Major Depression, or whatever else I am manifesting at the time of a particular consultation.
Over the last few years I have seen a number of different psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors (analysts) and none of them can fully agree on what causes my very black moments and the constant battle I face to pull myself up to a ‘happy’ (or even a reasonably ok) level, even when I am not majorly depressed.
Looking back, there are very few times in my life I can remember feeling happy, but there are many times I remember feeling sad, angry, or just plain helpless, so I guess that some form of depression has always been with me .
If this is the case, then although sessions of analysis are (and have been) helpful, they have never been the whole answer for me. It is all very well to ‘bring to the surface’ things I may have hidden in my unconscious or just been avoiding facing, but I find that these things most often turn out to be my reaction to circumstances rather than the cause of my feelings about those circumstances. So this does not help me that much.
I’ll try to explain what I mean.
When I was a pre-teen, I reacted badly to a very stressful situation. The guilt for reacting the way I did haunts me to this day. I can rationalise the event and believe myself when I say “I was reacting as any young person would have. I was immature, therefore how could I have had a more measured (and kind) reaction to this particular circumstance?”
Any analyst I have spoken to about this event will tell me the same thing and I agree with them. But what they cannot understand is that I know why I reacted this way. My reaction may have been enacted in the way it was because, being immature, I was unable to ‘correct myself’ and act more diplomatically, but the gut reaction was not caused by my immaturity, it was caused because of the way I am.
I won’t go into any real ’soul searching’ about this particular event because, although it does relate to some of my later depression, it is not the cause of it. Rather it is one of the symptoms of it.
Hell, I can remember being depressed as a young child, long before I hit my teenage years. I would not have called it that then, but looking back, depression is exactly what it was.
So is my particular form of depression (and anxiety -I suffer panic attacks too) chemical? Biological? Genetic? (There is evidence to say it is definitely genetic). And if so, will going endlessly over events in my past ‘to bring out the hidden guilt’ really help me much at all?
I somehow doubt it.
But there lies the rub. If counselling will not help me as my depression is in some way related to my biology, then pills seem to be the answer. But I do not like taking antidepressants. I do not like their side effects (which, for me, are never good) and I do not like the idea of being forever dependent on pills.
And so I continue, day by day, year by year, trying just to get by and to live a normal life as much as possible. I am getting no better with this method, so what to do next?
Well, that’s where this blog comes in. I have always written my thoughts down. Just lately I have been putting more and more of my thoughts online. After all, I have hosting, a ton of money making blogs out there and a couple of ‘commentary’ ones, so why not have a blog to help me out personally with the main thing which bugs the hell out of me - my constant bouts of depression?
And, if anyone passes by here and wants to discuss their depression, or perhaps ask questions about mine then that would be great. Maybe we could even share a joke or two - believe it or not, I have a wicked sense of humour.
You never know, perhaps we could even help each other out a bit. Without the pills.
