Family Relationships Hurt
Jul 30th, 2008 by zania
When Your Child Refuses To Love You
I very rarely write about my children here on Fraying Edges Depression Help, mainly because I do not want to get them involved too much in my ‘online life’. It’s bad enough already that my work takes up so much time, that I cannot enjoy being with them as much as I would like. But that’s the norm for most of us I guess.
But having children can of course be a factor in our depression. From the day they are born, we are responsible for the life of another human being. Many of us find this immensely enjoyable, but it can also bring us worry, stress, resentment, anger, depression and even grief.
I was visiting Cosmo at Walking the Black Dog today, when I found his latest post, A Letter To My Daughter. It is soul bearing, sad and intensely moving. If you have ever wondered exactly how emotionally destroying the effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome can be, I urge you to read it.
However, if anyone is still left here with me… I also have personal feelings on this subject.
When You Cannot Bond With Your Child
My children are not old enough yet to leave home and (knock on wood) me and my partner have no plans to split up. And (another knock on wood), as long as we keep healthy and avoid any other number of unforeseen problems, the issue of being physically estranged from our children in the long term is something we expect to experience in the future, but not yet.
Nevertheless, emotional estrangement can happen when your child is sitting right next to you and in many ways that can hurt nearly as much.
My eldest daughter is a ‘daddy’s girl’. No question. From the moment I brought her home from the hospital, only her father could get a positive response from her. I was good enough to feed her, change her, tend her when she felt ill, and watch over her (often by ‘just checking’ that she was still breathing when she was sleeping peacefully in her cot). But her father was always the one she looked up to, who received her first smile and whose soft words could calm her when she was distressed. Even as I fed her she felt distant, as if she was just ‘biding her time’ until I would put her down or, preferably, hand her over to her Dad.
My younger daughter on the other hand, is definitely ‘mummy’s girl’. From the outset, she enjoyed cuddling up to me, she gurgled happily whenever I picked her up. She gave me her first full beaming smile and wanted me, no one else, when she was distressed. Today, she follows me around, experimenting with my make up, stumblng around in my high heel shoes, and trying to please me any way she can.
Does this affect my love for each of my daughters? Not at all. I love them both beyond measure and from deep within my soul. If I had to put a definition on just some of the ways I love them, I would say I love my eldest daughter’s strength of character; her dogged determination in everything she does. I am proud of her beyond measure. I love my youngest daughter’s happiness, her bubbling personality and her concern for every living being. I am also immensely proud of her.
But I would be lieing if I said this did not affect my relationship with each of my children.
- When you have a child who resists everything you say, unless it has already been ‘given the okay’ by her father, it gets to be a struggle. It’s intensely frustrating and you find yourself resenting not only the child, but your partner.
- When you have a child who looks down on you; who never thinks anything you do or say is ‘up to much’, then it hurts. Especially if, like me, you place great value in respect.
- So, you try your best to be the parent your disapproving child wants you to be, but of course it never works. You are not her Dad.
- And while you are doing this, your more loving child gets sidelined. After all, you do not have to spend so much time pleasing her. She is always there, loving you unconditionally, just for being yourself.
As time passes, your disapproving child gives you odd and very infrequent rewards. She actually likes something you do or say. She does not tell you this. Instead you notice she has taken your advice about something, or she has copied something you have done. You encourage her, but you never let on you have discovered her secret. You would be betraying an unspoken trust.
And as you look to the future, you hope you have handled this right. That your loving child has not been harmed by receiving less attention. That her constant admiration for you and copying you is not being undertaken because she feels she must, if only to attract your focus back to her. You hope this will not turn itself around later and she will resent you for the way she has turned out.
You hope that in time, your relationship with your disapproving child will be better. That somewhere deep inside she loves you as much as you love her. But you can only hope.
And you also hope that you can keep your resentment of your eldest child’s deep bond with her father to yourself.
Having children is a wonderful experience, but it can also hurt like hell. Now I know just what it felt like to be My Mum.
I appreciate what you wrote here. I have 2 teens, a boy, 16, and a girl 18. My son and I were close until puberty, and then Dad became The One. He’s now modeling Dad’s treatment of me (disdainful, dismissive).
My daughter is so prickly I can hardly have a two-sentence conversation with her without her getting upset at “my tone of voice”.
she jumps at every little thing, and as a consequence I am withdrawing from her and only converse breifly about superficialities.
This is deeply heart-breaking to me, as we were all close when they were small. I have heard they will eventually “come around” but that is cold comfort when my heart is breaking……
Hello Joy,
I’m sorry I didn’t answer your comment before, but I have been rather ‘down’ of late and to be honest, your comment hurt to answer, as it reminded me of my relationship with my Mum for many years. And it also reminded me of the way my brother reacted towards my Mum after my Dad’s death. My brother was patronising and even physically abusive to her. He scared us daughters so much that we were afraid to step in and help Mum, even though we wanted to.
For him, it was a ‘puberty thing’, coupled with grief, and he did grow out of it, but not without a lot of hearbreak on all sides.
As to my relationship with my Mum when I was a teenager, well that was down to a clash of characters (very alike, but not wishing to accept it) and I was an absolute bitch to her, even though I never stopped loving her at any moment of time. It’s cold comfort, I know, to tell you that, but I do believe that your children still have a lot of love for you, but growing up and circumstances around them is getting in the way of them showing it.
I don’t know what else to say that would make you feel any better about this.
Yes, I could come out with the well-worn cliches about them ‘coming around’ (and I guess I have above, in a round about way), and most teenagers do, eventually. But when you love your children deeply, as most of us do, the waiting seems endless.
Thanks for your comment Joy and I truly hope things are better for you all real soon.