How To Cope When Your Loved One Is Depressed
Aug 13th, 2008 by zania
Why Trying To Understand Depression Does Not Work
If someone you love is suffering from Major Depression, how do you cope? And how do you move beyond the stress of dealing with depression in the family, to helping the depressed person themselves?
You can read books on the subject; perhaps pick up pamphlets at your local health centre, or go online to look for more help. But most of these guides will tell you the same thing:
- The person suffering from major depression cannot help being the way they are.
- And you should encourage them to seek medical help.
The advice might go on to tell you to try to be patient and understanding; try to get them to talk about it. But how the hell can you ‘understand’ something you cannot relate to at all? And what if they do not want to talk?
Perhaps you should take a look inside the mind of someone suffering from major depression. But I warn you, it’s a scary place…
Major Depression makes us self-centred; not deliberately so, as most of us who suffer from depression have little choice. We are lost inside the black pit of depressed thoughts and it consumes all our waking hours (and often our irratically edgy sleep too).
The only thing we care about (if ‘care’ is the right word) is finding some relief:
- Something to help us get past this time unscathed.
- Maybe something to ‘knock us out’ until the black cloud has lifted (I have actually imagined how good it would be to go into a coma until the cloud has passed).
- Something to suck the blackness out of our minds (a gigantic vacuum cleaner springs to mind…).
- Something to help us relax.
- Something to help us sleep.
See what I mean? Where are ‘concerns for those around us’ within these thoughts? They are nowhere to be found.
Our minds are completely focused within the blackness. And, luckily for you, within that blackness you do not exist.
Understand now what I mean by being self-centred?
And as to ‘telling you about it’. Why would we want to put into words what is eating us up? Isn’t it bad enough that we are feeling depression in every core of our being? Do you really want us to make it even worse by describing it?
In any case, for many of us, Major Depression is beyond words.
Of course, that is only my description of some of the thoughts going through my head when I have been suffering from Major Depression (and I can only express these in hindsight). Every sufferer will have their own experience of this. Which makes the mind of a depressed person even harder to understand.
Understanding is a bit of a cliché in my opinion. You can try, and I would definitely give you credit for attempting this. But I think you would fail.
So, as someone trying to cope with your loved one’s major depression, I guess all you are left with is trying to be patient and loving, and making sure the sufferer seeks medical help.
Sorry, that wasn’t much help, was it? Maybe those text books on ‘helping someone with depression’ are right after all when they don’t go into details that much…
You’ve done a pretty good job of putting it into words. And it is a scary place. I sometimes think if a person could see inside my mind, they run away screaming in terror at the horrors they would find. Fortunately for me, I’m used to it.
For some years I was “accused” of feeling sorry for myself, or wallowing in self-pity. I realized later that those are sometimes symptoms of depression but not the sole cause. Oh, there are some people who could “try harder” or who would rather accept their depression and feel sorry for themselves, but overall, that’s not the root cause and people should shut up. Judge not lest ye be judged and let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I find it hilarious and disgusting that people think they can point out faults in other people merely because it’s a different fault than their own. As if it were wrong to criticize someone for having the same fault, but it’s okay to criticize if it’s a fault they don’t possess. What difference does it make? By that logic, there can be a boomerang of criticisms back and forth, and it would be socially acceptable just as long as neither person is being critical of a fault they have themself. One time I was told by my Aunt that I slept too much. I replied that I was conserving my strength and energy. She asked, “For what?” and I replied, “Old age.”
Its 1am - and IO am tired– but I am also profoundly worrired. My husband is in a severe deprewssion becuase his job is killing him. He cries when he gets up in the mornng — on his days off he is worried about going back. As someone who is on medication for depression- I understand and yet I am not very oatient. I am so emotionally worn out I can barely help. And to make maters worse- everything I say or do is taken personally. He is constantly apologizing and I keep telling he has no need to apologize — I love my husband but I am having trouble keeping myself toegther right now– How can I support him too?
Thank you for your blog. I am a 54 year old woman, mother of two (ages 17 and 26) and a child of deceased Holocaust survivors. I have suffered from recurrent depression for years, and in the past 10 years, it has been cycles of major clinical depression, followed by periods of intense productivity, only to relapse again into a clinical state, requiring medication (day 6 on Effexor). I believe in my case it is reactive and genetic. My current bout began immediately after my return from a year as an American Fulbright to Poland, where I was working on a film project. The multiple problems I faced when I returned included my teenage daughter not completing high school after a year in England and spending ten months with me in Poland. She is now in a GED program and trying to form a future course of study in film. More critically, my husband had moved into an apartment away from our family two years ago, and although he supports the family, reuniting in any sort of real marriage has been impossible. I need him to manage all the financials as I have no skills in this area. I work part time as an art teacher in a private school, and earn $18,000. per year so his work as an Operations Manager of a mid size company and earning over a hundred thousand, is critical to our paying the bills. To top things off, my only sister, has successfully stolen my late father’s entire estate, valued at close to a half million. I have already spent ten thousand dollars, battling her in court, and the end is not in sight. The Fulbright afforded me a reprieve from the personal stresses I faced at home, as I was in a completely different environment and focused on the film I was making. When I returned to home after the year in Poland, the house was disgusting (still is), dirty, full of cat excrement and neglected. My daughters room had been rented out and she and I now share the bedroom formerly my husband and mine. I have far to go in healing and at this point do not even know if it is possible. My husband is afraid of me and my attacks of anger. I have driven him away, and even though still married, he is not HERE to help me through this. The nature of major depression makes for tremendous lonliness, and in my case, an inability to live a healthful independent life. i currently see a psychotherapist and am under the care of a psychiatrist. I am quite afraid that despite my efforts to remain sane and productive, I will not succeed or get better. I know that is the depression talking, but the depression is me. I am a person that has a lot to live for, as I’m sure is the case with so many people. Major depression has made it that I struggle now with just getting dressed and out the door. I do have some friends, who know I am going through a hard time, but no one can help me do the basic things I need to do for myself, like eat and function. I pray the Effexor and continued therapy will help pull me through this.
Not all people suffering from depression are the same, nor is the decease the same across the spectrum of suffers.
You statement that the depressed person cares only about their own needs, their own viewpoint, is both incorrect and insulting. Many suffering with depression are greatly concerned with how their illness affects their family, their children, their job (which is a means of supporting their family).
Your personal experience with depression may support these beliefs, but I assure you they are not universal and to lump everyone into the same category and to give them your symptoms is narrow minded at best and dangerously negligent at worst. I only hope that others reading your opinion realize that that is all you are espousing. You are wrong to assume everyone with depression is the same as you.
i dont know what to do i have just found out that my boyfriend of nearly 5 years has got depression and i dont know what to say or do, i feel as though i am going to say the worng thing and upset him, im scared he is going to push me out, i just want him to talk to me but he just keeps pushing me away.
can anyone help
thanks JB19
John Keyser, I agree with and appreciate your sentiment, but I believe the author’s only error was in making a generalizing statement without qualifying exceptions. I agree that generally speaking, people with depression appear more selfish, on average, than people who aren’t malfunctioning such as we. I hope it would be common knowledge that “normal” folk can also be selfish, just as many depressed persons can be generous, for example.
Zania, welcome back.
Hi all,
I have been dating a wonderful, full-of-life 25 year old woman for a year and a half. Our time has been beyond description - its 99 % great! She told me that she had suffered from depression in the past, and still took some medications for it (and anxiety-related problems) but I never ficsued much in it because everything was so good between us.
In June of this year, right after returing from a trip to South America everything changed. It started as her needing “a break” and “some time” to reflect on her life. It then became a situation where she became so distant, so fast that I honestly COULD NOT imagine what was going on in her head. Over the course of the summer, it became clear to me based on our conversations that she is suffering seriously from depression. It was as if it had been dormant, then out of nowhere it jumped up and took over her every waking moment. It’s still hard to imagine how that happens.
Anyway, I have pushed and pushed for her to get back for treatment with a professional. She recently moved and does not have a doctor in her new area. We researched a few and she promises that she will make an appointment soon.
From my end, HER depression is taking a great toll on me. Her selfishness (or thats how I perceive it), lack on consistentcy, inability to love how she used to…..its getting harder by the day for me. It’s like a million little rejections, one after the other. I sometimes feel guilty for feeling this way, as I know that she feels tortured and confused right now. I keep promising her that I will stay by her side through this….but how long can I do that? It’s hard on me too.
Any thoughts?