How To Cope When Your Loved One Is Depressed
Aug 13th, 2008 by zania
Why Trying To Understand Depression Does Not Work
If someone you love is suffering from Major Depression, how do you cope? And how do you move beyond the stress of dealing with depression in the family, to helping the depressed person themselves?
You can read books on the subject; perhaps pick up pamphlets at your local health centre, or go online to look for more help. But most of these guides will tell you the same thing:
- The person suffering from major depression cannot help being the way they are.
- And you should encourage them to seek medical help.
The advice might go on to tell you to try to be patient and understanding; try to get them to talk about it. But how the hell can you ‘understand’ something you cannot relate to at all? And what if they do not want to talk?
Perhaps you should take a look inside the mind of someone suffering from major depression. But I warn you, it’s a scary place…
Major Depression makes us self-centred; not deliberately so, as most of us who suffer from depression have little choice. We are lost inside the black pit of depressed thoughts and it consumes all our waking hours (and often our irratically edgy sleep too).
The only thing we care about (if ‘care’ is the right word) is finding some relief:
- Something to help us get past this time unscathed.
- Maybe something to ‘knock us out’ until the black cloud has lifted (I have actually imagined how good it would be to go into a coma until the cloud has passed).
- Something to suck the blackness out of our minds (a gigantic vacuum cleaner springs to mind…).
- Something to help us relax.
- Something to help us sleep.
See what I mean? Where are ‘concerns for those around us’ within these thoughts? They are nowhere to be found.
Our minds are completely focused within the blackness. And, luckily for you, within that blackness you do not exist.
Understand now what I mean by being self-centred?
And as to ‘telling you about it’. Why would we want to put into words what is eating us up? Isn’t it bad enough that we are feeling depression in every core of our being? Do you really want us to make it even worse by describing it?
In any case, for many of us, Major Depression is beyond words.
Of course, that is only my description of some of the thoughts going through my head when I have been suffering from Major Depression (and I can only express these in hindsight). Every sufferer will have their own experience of this. Which makes the mind of a depressed person even harder to understand.
Understanding is a bit of a cliché in my opinion. You can try, and I would definitely give you credit for attempting this. But I think you would fail.
So, as someone trying to cope with your loved one’s major depression, I guess all you are left with is trying to be patient and loving, and making sure the sufferer seeks medical help.
Sorry, that wasn’t much help, was it? Maybe those text books on ‘helping someone with depression’ are right after all when they don’t go into details that much…
You’ve done a pretty good job of putting it into words. And it is a scary place. I sometimes think if a person could see inside my mind, they run away screaming in terror at the horrors they would find. Fortunately for me, I’m used to it.
For some years I was “accused” of feeling sorry for myself, or wallowing in self-pity. I realized later that those are sometimes symptoms of depression but not the sole cause. Oh, there are some people who could “try harder” or who would rather accept their depression and feel sorry for themselves, but overall, that’s not the root cause and people should shut up. Judge not lest ye be judged and let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I find it hilarious and disgusting that people think they can point out faults in other people merely because it’s a different fault than their own. As if it were wrong to criticize someone for having the same fault, but it’s okay to criticize if it’s a fault they don’t possess. What difference does it make? By that logic, there can be a boomerang of criticisms back and forth, and it would be socially acceptable just as long as neither person is being critical of a fault they have themself. One time I was told by my Aunt that I slept too much. I replied that I was conserving my strength and energy. She asked, “For what?” and I replied, “Old age.”
Its 1am - and IO am tired– but I am also profoundly worrired. My husband is in a severe deprewssion becuase his job is killing him. He cries when he gets up in the mornng — on his days off he is worried about going back. As someone who is on medication for depression- I understand and yet I am not very oatient. I am so emotionally worn out I can barely help. And to make maters worse- everything I say or do is taken personally. He is constantly apologizing and I keep telling he has no need to apologize — I love my husband but I am having trouble keeping myself toegther right now– How can I support him too?