I have been dating a wonderful, full-of-life 25 year old woman for a year and a half. Our time has been beyond description - its 99 % great! She told me that she had suffered from depression in the past, and still took some medications for it (and anxiety-related problems) but I never ficsued much in it because everything was so good between us.

In June of this year, right after returing from a trip to South America everything changed. It started as her needing “a break” and “some time” to reflect on her life. It then became a situation where she became so distant, so fast that I honestly COULD NOT imagine what was going on in her head. Over the course of the summer, it became clear to me based on our conversations that she is suffering seriously from depression. It was as if it had been dormant, then out of nowhere it jumped up and took over her every waking moment. It’s still hard to imagine how that happens.

Anyway, I have pushed and pushed for her to get back for treatment with a professional. She recently moved and does not have a doctor in her new area. We researched a few and she promises that she will make an appointment soon.

From my end, HER depression is taking a great toll on me. Her selfishness (or thats how I perceive it), lack on consistentcy, inability to love how she used to…..its getting harder by the day for me. It’s like a million little rejections, one after the other. I sometimes feel guilty for feeling this way, as I know that she feels tortured and confused right now. I keep promising her that I will stay by her side through this….but how long can I do that? It’s hard on me too.

Any thoughts?

Zania, welcome back.

You statement that the depressed person cares only about their own needs, their own viewpoint, is both incorrect and insulting. Many suffering with depression are greatly concerned with how their illness affects their family, their children, their job (which is a means of supporting their family).

Your personal experience with depression may support these beliefs, but I assure you they are not universal and to lump everyone into the same category and to give them your symptoms is narrow minded at best and dangerously negligent at worst. I only hope that others reading your opinion realize that that is all you are espousing. You are wrong to assume everyone with depression is the same as you.

For some years I was “accused” of feeling sorry for myself, or wallowing in self-pity. I realized later that those are sometimes symptoms of depression but not the sole cause. Oh, there are some people who could “try harder” or who would rather accept their depression and feel sorry for themselves, but overall, that’s not the root cause and people should shut up. Judge not lest ye be judged and let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I find it hilarious and disgusting that people think they can point out faults in other people merely because it’s a different fault than their own. As if it were wrong to criticize someone for having the same fault, but it’s okay to criticize if it’s a fault they don’t possess. What difference does it make? By that logic, there can be a boomerang of criticisms back and forth, and it would be socially acceptable just as long as neither person is being critical of a fault they have themself. One time I was told by my Aunt that I slept too much. I replied that I was conserving my strength and energy. She asked, “For what?” and I replied, “Old age.”