When Defining Your Life Goals Hits A Set Back
Aug 3rd, 2008 by zania
How do you plan for the future when you are wary of it?
When I wrote my post about Simpleology, I said I was making myself a plan of action. For me, this plan meant working out an effective solution to not getting overwhelmed by all the things I have to do each day and all the ideas flitting through my mind at a rate of knots. It was also about planning how to eliminate (or make more effective…) my completely ’stop start’ attitude to everything I do.
Sounds good right? I really thought I had it all worked out. To make effective use of my time (and my energy surges and dips), I needed to clarify my Ultimate Goals and thus work out short, medium and long term goals to achieving them.
As said in the Simpleology course, the idea was to focus on what I ultimately wanted my life to be like (how I would feel truly happy and fulfilled). Then to work out a backwards strategy - imagine achieving my ultimate life and look at what I would be doing to achieve it, one goal at a time.
Then something hit me like a slap in the face.
I just don’t care enough.
My ultimate life goals consist of:
- Health and happiness for my family and myself.
- Enough money to make life enjoyable and to eliminate the worry of being in debt.
- Having enough spare cash to pay for life emergencies, which always show up at the most unfortunate times.
- Being respected for who I am and what I do.
- To be remembered for my achievements.
- And apart from that, the most important thing to me is to find a way to never reach the very bottom of that deep black pit I sometimes find myself struggling in when major depression strikes.
And that’s the closest I could come to my ultimate life goals. And however much I tried, I could not make them any clearer.
What does this tell me about me?
I want health and happiness for my family. I want my children to have long and happy lives… but what this means to them will ultimately be for them to decide as they grow. All I can do is try to help them have the ability and the understanding to make those choices.
I care about money. Nothing wrong with that. It makes me a realist. But my need for money is to ward off stress as much as to provide for future happiness.
I care a lot about respect and achievement. I guess that makes me an egoist. But apart from being respected for being who I am, it’s rather general to say the least…
And then there’s the ‘fear of depression’ thing…
My conclusion?
I truly have no real long term goals, and certainly no ‘ultimate goals’ in a concrete sense. I simply ‘go with the flow’. And part of that is about trying not to think too hard about the future, because future plans have a tendency to let you down…
So maybe, even though I work darn hard to make a living, perhaps I’m not really cut out to be an entrepreneur? I have the intelligence and the ideas. Sometimes I even have the staying power.
But I just don’t seem to need things enough. Not positive things anyway. Most of my plans are in the negative; based on ‘warding off disaster’.
So this mind scouring to find my ‘ultimate life goals’ hasn’t been much of a success.
Perhaps it’s that I’m lazy? Or just too fatigued most of the time to be inspired by ‘positive ideas’? I’m not entirely sure…
What I do know, however, is that this particular spot of ‘life organising’ hasn’t made me any more productive. In fact, it has made me a little depressed.
Does anyone else feel this way about their ‘ultimate life goals’? Or is it just me who thinks of the future in the negative…?
I have been thinking about this topic a bit lately, and I am as stumped. I can remember as far back as highschool not really believing I would live to see 30, so as the age approaches I do not know what to do with myself. My life goals were similar, and yet they are not much motivation to get out of bed if I am having a particularly bad day.
Hi Chloe,
In a truly selfish way, I’m glad it’s just not me who has this problem with life goals. Sometimes I think this whole process of ‘getting to know yourself better’ really sucks if you are not in the mood for it.
As to reaching the big 30, tell me about it! When I was a teenager I thought 30 was ancient. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to reach it, but now it’s nearly here for me too and it feels odd.
And when I look back, I wonder just what I have achieved over those years and I realise, like you, that I never really planned anything past my 20s and then, for me, it was only very vague and open to disaster.
I think it’s the hovering presence of the big 30 that has pulled me up in my tracks somehow. But I still can’t think too much about the future because it’s like planning for failure (if you see what I mean…)
I have a friend who always thought he would die before he was 30. Seems a common age to imagine your life ending by all accounts. He’s 37 now and wondering if he’ll make it past 40… Maybe that’s why his forward planning sucks too…
And that feeling that it’s difficult even to get motivated enough to get out of bed on a bad day. I know that one so well too. And I guess that’s why I am not a great believer in the gurus of self-help!
But I guess we’ll get through it okay… knock on wood
Thanks very much for commenting and helping me see I am not alone in feeling this way.
and take care
zania
Hi Zania,
In the big picture, I think one of the benefits of having goals is the way they add to our life in the here and now. Life is ever changing which requires adjustments. We make those adjustments during the course of each day; it’s a real time - here and now activity. Learning to navigate successfully is what the journey is all about and having a goal simply gives us an overall direction.
Yes the finish line can bring a sense of accomplishment, but growth happens during the journey.
This is a really nice blog and I think it addresses some very important issues. Good job!
Hi Jonathan and thanks.
You see, you’ve hit the point there.
Life is ever changing, and for someone who suffers from Depression, negative changes can hit even harder than they do to someone who does not. All those adjustments you are making to navigate through life suddenly appear to come unstuck.
I’ve done a lot of study over the last few years on life skills, self-help, and any other way I think will help me; not simply to achieve my life goals, but to get through each day.
And I have to tell you that on a good day, I can look in the mirror and give myself some positive talk. On a good day, I can put setbacks down to a learning process which I will benefit from in the long run. And on a good day, I will believe it.
But on a bad day (or during a bad spell, which can last for weeks or even months), none of the self-talk helps, because I am too fatigued to make the effort, and telling myself I am adjusting to the experience and learning from it sounds crass to a depressed mind. In fact, it can make me very angry and very sad if I follow this course of action on a bad day.
You see, Depression is very complex. As I am sure you know. It affects each individual in different ways, not only according to personality, but to culture and personal life history. And sometimes it can catch you unawares, as it did when I was trying to work out my ultimate goals.
I think learning life skills can help some people who suffer from depression. I believe that Cosmo, who writes Walking The Black Dog, is doing quite well with them, up to a point. But they do not work for everyone. For me they do not appear to work. It’s a cultural thing as well as a brain chemistry thing
But I do agree on the point that it is helpful to be able to have something in sight which can help us adjust to life day by day (and even hour by hour). It’s just defining it and analyzing what I have come up with which is the hard part
Hello again Zania,
Thanks for taking the time to explain. You’ve given me a lot to think about and I appreciate how well you expressed yourself. I’ll be following your work in an effort to increase my understanding. I never get tired of learning.
Kindest,
Jonathan
Hi Zania,
I admire how you blog about your journey with this blog. After reading your post and some others as well as the comments you made here I can see the one thing that stares at me like a red flag.
You are being too hard on yourself!
Why push yourself to have goals, if you clearly don’t see the values of them? I think the wishes you have for your family, children, health and money are enough anyway.
Goals are often very tricky. Like Jonathan said already, they are ever changing, often daily because out circumstances change too, so we have to adapt.
Instead of trying to chew a large elephant, why not take small bites instead. If it is enough money you want to live without debt, then you are already doing something for that. If it is health you want, look after your body. Treat your kids and husband to a special games night or whatever else makes you guys happy together. I’m sure you know better than us what to do to live your life to the best of your ability.
Sometimes I think we try too hard to follow other people’s advice when in reality we should look inward and go with the flow of the moment.
Like you, goals don’t really work for me. At least not in the traditional sense of making lists and all that rubbish. I usually want something, like a cruise, an iPod, a trip to…, and then use this as my fuel to get me there. It works for me. I call this my baby steps.
As long as I have something to look forward to, my life is fulfilled.
I know the deep dark abyss of depression, been there a few times myself. Once for a spell of 6 months and without medication or even seeing a shrink I managed to pull myself out of it again. You know what helped me most?
The love of my husband and his relentless ways to stick with me, regardless whether I stuck my head under the pillow for days in end.
Enjoy the love that surrounds you and use it as a protective blanket to help you get better. I hope this finds you in the meaning I intended to write this Zania.
Keep writing. You do a great job to help others.
Best wishes and a huge virtual hug from me.
@Jonathan,
Thanks for understanding where I am coming from over this.
I did have a sneaky look at your blog by the way (as I’m sure you know) and I think you are doing a fine job there.
Just because I, as an individual , am rather resistant to some of the advice you give doesn’t make it wrong. I’m sure there are many who will benefit from it no end.
As I said, it’s just a cultural and brain chemistry thing with me…
Doesn’t mean to say I won’t pop over some time soon though… on a good day
@Monika,
Hi and thanks so much for popping over to my blog and reading some of the posts and taking the time and thought to comment. I know you are extremely busy, so I wasn’t expecting this at all.
Thanks
I love the phrase ‘trying to chew a large elephant’, just the thought of it makes me smile
Perhaps I should type it up somewhere in large letters (also with the bit about taking small bites instead of course). It’s little things like that which work with me - something a bit ‘out of the ordinary’ (at least, that phrase is out of the ordinary to me anyhow).
And yes, perhaps I am being too hard on myself. As you know, as a depression sufferer yourself, it is difficult not to be sometimes. But yes, you are right.
Do you know? (and I’m sure you do) You have a very common sense approach to life. I can really empathise with that. It was trying to get my life organised that started all this off. For a while there, I decided to take advice rather than deciding for myself, as I usually do. Of course there is nothing wrong with going with the flow if thats what works best.
(still need to organise my workload more though, but at least I won’t be wasting time trying to follow someone else’s plan).
You are an incredibly strong person being able to drag yourself out of a long spell of depression without medication. That really takes some doing. And I don’t think anyone realises just what that means unless they have been there. It gives people hope to realise that it can be done.
And I agree, having someone who really loves and cares for you, even when you are probably not the nicest person to deal with at that point in time, can be better than medication itself.
For me, it’s a little different, I have a lovely husband, but my spells of depression scare him almost as much as they do me. He doesn’t know how to react. So, although most of the time I take no medication for depression, I always take it when I go through a really bad spell. The fear of reaching the very bottom of that black pit scares me rigid and then for a while I take both antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills.
And I have to say (and I truly believe this), for anyone else who may read this, that this doesn’t make me any lesser person. We all cope with depression the best way we can and with the options available to us.
Thanks so much for adding your thoughts here Monika and sharing your experience of depression. I hope others read them. They are very positive and inspiring but also full of understanding of what the black beast is really like.
So thank you and you have a virtual hug right back
Hi Zania,
Back again and thank you for your really lovely words. I guess I am strong, and yes, I do try to use common sense in my every day living. Funny enough, my mother always said I didn’t have one ounce of common sense in me. I guess I proofed her wrong.
I wanted to reply to your part of the comment about your husband and how he gets scared. i can tell you, mine did too. Way scared actually. He just didn’t know how to deal with me at those times. Neither did I, to be honest, I hated myself for who I was and how I reacted and the reason I came out of it without any meds and professional help is that I’m really stubborn and I guess I’m quite strong deep down. I saw it as a personal failure to see a shrink and would refuse to even go that road.
Sometimes though, i think I would have been better off because at least they do understand the illness of depression and yes, it is an illness.
You are certainly not a lesser person. I have come to understand this in the meantime myself. We all deal with things on a different level and this level doesn’t make us better of worse.
In the end, we are all humans and as long as we care we are special, regardless of illness, issues or not.
If you ever feel like “raining your parade on a very bad day”, please feel free to email me. I know how lonely it is inside ones head on those days.
Take care and big hugs
Monika
Hi again Monika,
and thank you
As to both our husbands being scared of our depression… I might just make a post about that. It’s given me more food for thought. Thanks!
And I might just take you up on your kind offer of emailing you on a bad day. It’s very hard to reach out to others for help when you are feeling depressed (well it is for me, anyway - the fear of rejection is pretty strong then).
(hmmm, more food for thought…)
Thank you
Zania
[...] post about the setbacks I faced when defining my life goals received some excellent responses. Thank you everyone. Your contributions to that post not only [...]
I’ve noticed than while in a dark mood I tend to stress about future goals and get anxious for not having fulfilled them.
When in a light mood I’m just happy with whatever circumstances I’m in. So I think it all breaks down to brain chemicals. If one can find a way to instill and maintain a bright mood (e.g. by eating right, exercising, meditating, therapy, socialising or other) I think all those goals are more likely to fall into place if they are important enough.
Hi Thor,
I think that is a very common sense approach.
Find out how you react to dark moods and light moods and work with what fits you best, while trying to maintain the light moods.
Yes, that’s very good advice!
And we all react differently to moods, I find.
For me, a dark mood means not so much stress about the future, but complete inability to think about the future at all (or anything else much come to that…). And for me a light mood can actually lead to stress! Because it is at ‘light’ times that I go all out to plan for the future.
Hmmm… looking at those words, I can see a pattern here to be overcome…
Work harder on enjoying the light moods rather than damaging them .
Thanks for your comment Thor.
You’ve just given me more food for thought
Glad you liked it
The thought struck me as I secretly read the post at work. Felt it was important enough to continue typing after I spotted my boss approaching, but then I work as a librarians assistant so it was not terribly risky 
Lol!
I never imagined Fraying Edges being read surreptitiously at work!
But I’m glad you did,
Thank You