And we all react differently to moods, I find.
For me, a dark mood means not so much stress about the future, but complete inability to think about the future at all (or anything else much come to that…). And for me a light mood can actually lead to stress! Because it is at ‘light’ times that I go all out to plan for the future.

Hmmm… looking at those words, I can see a pattern here to be overcome…
Work harder on enjoying the light moods rather than damaging them .
Thanks for your comment Thor.
You’ve just given me more food for thought

As to both our husbands being scared of our depression… I might just make a post about that. It’s given me more food for thought. Thanks!

And I might just take you up on your kind offer of emailing you on a bad day. It’s very hard to reach out to others for help when you are feeling depressed (well it is for me, anyway - the fear of rejection is pretty strong then).
(hmmm, more food for thought…)

Thank you
Zania

Back again and thank you for your really lovely words. I guess I am strong, and yes, I do try to use common sense in my every day living. Funny enough, my mother always said I didn’t have one ounce of common sense in me. I guess I proofed her wrong.

I wanted to reply to your part of the comment about your husband and how he gets scared. i can tell you, mine did too. Way scared actually. He just didn’t know how to deal with me at those times. Neither did I, to be honest, I hated myself for who I was and how I reacted and the reason I came out of it without any meds and professional help is that I’m really stubborn and I guess I’m quite strong deep down. I saw it as a personal failure to see a shrink and would refuse to even go that road.

Sometimes though, i think I would have been better off because at least they do understand the illness of depression and yes, it is an illness.

You are certainly not a lesser person. I have come to understand this in the meantime myself. We all deal with things on a different level and this level doesn’t make us better of worse.

In the end, we are all humans and as long as we care we are special, regardless of illness, issues or not.

If you ever feel like “raining your parade on a very bad day”, please feel free to email me. I know how lonely it is inside ones head on those days.

Take care and big hugs
Monika

I love the phrase ‘trying to chew a large elephant’, just the thought of it makes me smile
Perhaps I should type it up somewhere in large letters (also with the bit about taking small bites instead of course). It’s little things like that which work with me - something a bit ‘out of the ordinary’ (at least, that phrase is out of the ordinary to me anyhow).

And yes, perhaps I am being too hard on myself. As you know, as a depression sufferer yourself, it is difficult not to be sometimes. But yes, you are right.

Do you know? (and I’m sure you do) You have a very common sense approach to life. I can really empathise with that. It was trying to get my life organised that started all this off. For a while there, I decided to take advice rather than deciding for myself, as I usually do. Of course there is nothing wrong with going with the flow if thats what works best.
(still need to organise my workload more though, but at least I won’t be wasting time trying to follow someone else’s plan).

You are an incredibly strong person being able to drag yourself out of a long spell of depression without medication. That really takes some doing. And I don’t think anyone realises just what that means unless they have been there. It gives people hope to realise that it can be done.
And I agree, having someone who really loves and cares for you, even when you are probably not the nicest person to deal with at that point in time, can be better than medication itself.

For me, it’s a little different, I have a lovely husband, but my spells of depression scare him almost as much as they do me. He doesn’t know how to react. So, although most of the time I take no medication for depression, I always take it when I go through a really bad spell. The fear of reaching the very bottom of that black pit scares me rigid and then for a while I take both antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills.
And I have to say (and I truly believe this), for anyone else who may read this, that this doesn’t make me any lesser person. We all cope with depression the best way we can and with the options available to us.

Thanks so much for adding your thoughts here Monika and sharing your experience of depression. I hope others read them. They are very positive and inspiring but also full of understanding of what the black beast is really like.

So thank you and you have a virtual hug right back

Doesn’t mean to say I won’t pop over some time soon though… on a good day

I admire how you blog about your journey with this blog. After reading your post and some others as well as the comments you made here I can see the one thing that stares at me like a red flag.

You are being too hard on yourself!

Why push yourself to have goals, if you clearly don’t see the values of them? I think the wishes you have for your family, children, health and money are enough anyway.

Goals are often very tricky. Like Jonathan said already, they are ever changing, often daily because out circumstances change too, so we have to adapt.

Instead of trying to chew a large elephant, why not take small bites instead. If it is enough money you want to live without debt, then you are already doing something for that. If it is health you want, look after your body. Treat your kids and husband to a special games night or whatever else makes you guys happy together. I’m sure you know better than us what to do to live your life to the best of your ability.

Sometimes I think we try too hard to follow other people’s advice when in reality we should look inward and go with the flow of the moment.

Like you, goals don’t really work for me. At least not in the traditional sense of making lists and all that rubbish. I usually want something, like a cruise, an iPod, a trip to…, and then use this as my fuel to get me there. It works for me. I call this my baby steps.

As long as I have something to look forward to, my life is fulfilled.

I know the deep dark abyss of depression, been there a few times myself. Once for a spell of 6 months and without medication or even seeing a shrink I managed to pull myself out of it again. You know what helped me most?

The love of my husband and his relentless ways to stick with me, regardless whether I stuck my head under the pillow for days in end.

Enjoy the love that surrounds you and use it as a protective blanket to help you get better. I hope this finds you in the meaning I intended to write this Zania.

Keep writing. You do a great job to help others.
Best wishes and a huge virtual hug from me.