The Constant Cycle Of Stress And Depression
Oct 2nd, 2008 by zania
The Roller Coaster Ride Which Leads To Depression
A couple of days ago, a woman called Cyndi left a very long and eloquent comment on my post about how Blogging About Depression Can Be Lonely. Her post made me think quite a lot.
Over the last few weeks, my depression and anxiety have become worse. I am constantly tired, but cannot sleep. I cannot concentrate on anything for long and am totally on edge. Caring for my children (and more importantly in this case, communicating with them in a ‘good way’) is a trial I carry out (I think…) reasonably effectively, but with feelings of complete exhaustion. And as for my poor partner… Well, he is trying his best to stay calm in the face of the storm he has weathered quite a few times before, but I can see he is getting thoroughly hacked off with having to do this.
Cyndi’s comment rang a bell with me on several issues, but the main one was her talk of the unrelenting Stress>Depression>Stress>Depression cycle which she finds to be a constant factor of her life. And that’s me summed up quite nicely.
I am either totally motivated and can work at the speed of light, whilst coping with all manner of stressful things in my daily life (and even ‘thriving’ on them), or I am completely wiped out and depressed.
A couple of psychiatrists have put this down to being ‘bipolar’, but have then admitted that the medication given for this horrible illness is not effective in my case (just totally debilitating)… so they then suggested that perhaps I am not bipolar after all…? A therapist once told me this was all due to the ‘roller coaster ride’ I put myself on and once I recognised this and when it was occurring, I could deal with it and pull back. Easier said than done…
You see, when it comes to living in the real World, with quite a few responsibilities, you cannot just get off the roller coaster when you are nearing the peak, because to do so would affect your family’s well being and (in my case) their finances. When I am working well, this makes a profound difference to the money we have coming in. It also shores up some resources to fall back on when I am not feeling quite so well…
It is one thing to recognise what you are doing to your state of mind, but quite another to take the action required to prevent this from happening.
Sure, I could say to myself “I feel good and totally full of ideas and the ability to carry them out, but I won’t do that now, I’ll just chill out instead.” But I won’t, because to do that would be irresponsible. And there is also the fact that ‘chilling out’ (in the case of relaxation, meditation, ‘taking it easy’ or whatever else it might be) actually makes me feel depressed!
You see, when you are so full of all that energy, to try to hold back on it is actually just as painful as the effects of using it all up to the bitter end and suffering the consequences. Go figure!
And I guess this sounds kind of bipolar, but most of the psychs have assured me I am not. Of course, most of us know that even the ‘experts’ get it wrong. Who knows?
What I do know right now is that somehow I have to deal with this and get on with life. I have my family to care for, my work to do and, somehow, my own health to take care of (eating is not high on my agenda at the moment…).
However, at this precise moment, all of that seems totally impossible, but the only place I can say that without worrying anyone close to me is here.
End of rather depressed and exhausted post. Maybe it was good to write about it all here, but there again, who knows…?
Zania, I know you’re not from America, but you would probably really like this book. I just finished it a few days ago, a book about the sixteenth President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, he’s the president who… presided over America’s civil war in 1861-1865. The one who helped to free the slaves. Lincoln’s Melancholy: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness
He had his first depressive episode when he was 26 and suffered chronic depression until the day he was assassinated. The author suggests he also had symptoms of hypomania.
Here’s a quick exerpt.
“The big difference is that today we often hear that the disease of depression is entirely distinct from the ordinary experience of being sad or in the dumps. But in the nineteenth-century conception of melancholy, these were part of the same overall picture. A person with a melancholy temperament had been fated with both an awful burden and what Byron called “a fearful gift.” The burden was a sadness and despair that could tip into a state of disease. But the gift was a capacity for depth, wisdom — even genius.”
Hi Andy,
thanks so much for posting that link.
Not only did it give me a really interesting and different approach to the study of depression, which will help me no end, it also gave me my next post
The book is on order right now.
[...] Feeling thoroughly ‘down’, and in need of an outlet, I vented a little in here about the constant cycle of stress and depression I appeared to be putting myself [...]
Zania, you are extremely and severely welcome. You’ll love the book.
zania, I had many yrs of severe stress and exhaustion. Nine months ago I was diagnosed with pyroluria. It is a genetic defect that causes leaching of zinc and vitamin B6 from the body and leads to neurological disorders. I cannot describe the relief I felt to finally find out. Recovery is slow(i was advised 1yr) but really happening for me .Pfeiffer Research Institute diagnose and treat and the treatment is nutrients only.