Why Depression Can Make People Disappear Online
Mar 15th, 2009 by zania
Being Depressed And Failing To Communicate.
This post concerns one of my personal experiences of having communication problems when I was depressed. But before I begin, I need to say to regular readers, this is not an excuse for not posting here to Fraying Edges for a while (that’s simply down to pressure of work and hosting difficulties - which I still have to deal with…if only I can find the time and someone with the technical know how).
This post was actually prompted by something I read yesterday on a business forum!
The originating poster was asking why another forum member had returned online, as if they had never been away for the last two years. Several people responded, also complaining about the person in question. They expressed their annoyance that this person had disappeared without completing work they had said they would undertake.
However, when it came down to it, no one was accusing them of cheating. Everyone agreed that the work paid for had been carried out, very satisfactorily. It was just that they wanted more and the person had said they could deliver…
As it happened, today the ‘accused’ has answered those posts today, saying they were ill and unable to get online (no further details). They asked for their apologies to be accepted. Resulting answers were mixed…
This forum misunderstanding, brought back memories for me from a few years ago.
Around 2002-3, I used to run a Yahoo group. It was in the days when Paint Shop Pro was all the rage for bored housewives. They liked to join groups online and share their ‘creations’ and tips with others. I joined quite a few groups. My graphic skills aren’t particularly great, but in those days I began to think they could be.
It was while I was making my ‘online creations’ that I came upon the issue of copyright. It appeared that most group members were making their PSP images from pictures grabbed from anywhere on the net. They claimed ‘free usage’ and thought this was ok. I knew it wasn’t.
So I emailed all the artists whose work I wished to use and asked for their permission and conditions for use.
Amazingly, around 80% of these artists responded and of those, nearly 90% said I could use and transform their images, as long as I provided a link back to them as supplied. A small number even said I could use their work commercially, with conditions. Overall, this was a very successful (if time consuming) move.
So I set up my own Yahoo group. I posted the pictures, headers, email templates, etc., I had made, and constructed a database of ‘friendly’ artists people could use - as long as they contacted the artist first and followed their conditions for use.
This was a very time consuming task. Luckily, I was not going out to work at the time (I had a small toddler to care for and another baby whose arrival was imminent). And the task was an interesting one, to which I gave a great deal of time.
In a couple of months, the group grew to several hundred members (goodness knows why - I didn’t have a clue about getting traffic in those days). Some members added their own artist research to our database, but most just wanted to post their pictures, share our artist list, and wait patiently for further updates.
Then I gave birth to my second child. And it soon became clear (more to others at first) that I was suffering from post natal depression.
The Yahoo group was the last thing I wanted to deal with right then. Just getting through the day and caring for my children took all my mental strength.
My group members had sent me ‘new baby congrats’ posts by the hundreds. And at first they understood why I was not posting that often. But, as the weeks went by and my posts slithered away to nothing, annoyance and confusion began to take over the group.
It appeared I had abandoned them.
Weeks went by and became months. Group emails went unread, group projects remained untouched. Check ups on the artist database were not done. I simply could not bring myself to deal with any of it. It all seemed, not only a pointless waste of time, but it mentally hurt even to log in there.
Depression can make you feel this way. Things you enjoyed doing before, now seem so uninteresting and completely pointless, you feel real pain, when contemplating them.
I finally forced myself to email a couple of senior group members and told them I would not, and could not, post there any more. I told them by all means take over the group, and gave them the details to do so.
I didn’t go into long explanations as to why I was ‘abandoning them’. I doubted they would understand and I couldn’t be bothered to tell them anyway.
Then I logged off from the group, cancelled my email account with them, and never went back there again…
Until yesterday, after I found that forum post.
The group is still going strong (the membership has actually doubled) and people still post there regularly. But no one has added to the artist database, or made any changes to it since I was last there.
Nowadays it seems group members just chat and post the occasional ‘pic I have made’. Most of these appear to be in infringement of someone’s copyright. Obviously they haven’t read the ‘group rules’ and no one cares to point them out to them.
I could post and tell them this (I’m still, officially, a member). But I won’t bother. Even now, looking at that database, and remembering all the work involved in creating, it brings out a few ‘anxiety twinges’.
I just sighed and closed the browser.
And that is a rather long explanation of my experience of being unable to communicate effectively when I am depressed, and why it seems to cause so much confusion for others.
I guess, all I am saying here is, when you feel ‘abandoned’ by someone (online of offline), who seemed to be friendly, communicative and extremely helpful, unless they have actually caused you or your business any harm (unfinished work, unpaid debts, etc), then please don’t go off on a ‘rant’ as soon as they reappear.
It could just be that they had ‘issues’ which made it very difficult for them to communicate and thus, give you the acknowledgement you think you deserve.
Being ill, including being depressed, can make a person very uncommunicative. The feelings of ‘abandonment’ you are experiencing, when they fail to reply to your approaches, are down to you, not to the person who is failing to talk right now.
