When Depression Hits a Family
Jun 11th, 2008 by zania
Much has been written about Depression, its different forms, its symptoms, diagnosis and treatment; some useful, some not. But nowhere near as much has been written for families with a member who is suffering from depression and yet these families come under immense pressure and need all the help they can get.
When a family member begins to manifest symptoms of Depression, many families find the situation confusing. The person they have known for years has changed, sometimes out of all recognition.
Some family members are sympatheitic, even understanding, some are much less understanding and are likely to tell the person suffering from depression to ‘buck up’, to ‘pull themselves together’, or even to ’stop being such a jerk’. Either way, when a family member is suffering from depression, especially the bleakness of Major Depression, many families find it very difficult to cope.
The depressed person cannot help either. In many instances they do not know they are suffering from depression. They may be angry or sad, or feel totally defeated by life, but may blame other things for this, rather than depression. They often cannot explain what is happening to them, or they may refuse to acknowledge that they are depressed, because they fear there is a stigma still attached to this.
Luckily for many people suffering from a depressive illness, either they will eventually decide to visit their doctor to ask for help, or a family member or friend will convince them to do so. Once depression is acknowledged, the long (and often painful) road to recovery can be started.
However, other depression sufferers are not so lucky. Either they are too depressed to even contemplate asking for help, or they refuse to do so for fear of ridicule from their colleagues, friends and family.
In either case, it takes an understanding family to cope with what the depressed person is going through and it will take all their patience and understanding to deal with this as a family group.
A person suffering from Major Depression is most likely unable to work. If their wages are a major part of the family’s income, then real problems can ensue. It could take weeks or even months from the diagnosis of depression for health benefits to be paid, or for a health insurance company to agree that payments are in order. In the meantime, bills will accumulate and even threats of legal action from mortgage lenders and credit companies could start.
This puts the family of the person suffering from depression under immense pressure. If they are able to, they will have to find a way through this financial chaos without the whole family going under. It will be at this stage that even the most understanding family members will wish that the depressed person would simply ‘pull themsleves together’. Sometimes, under moments of stress, they will even tell them so.
None of this helps the person suffering from Depression. Even if they are showing signs of recovery, money worries and family stress could lead them back into the black pit of depression that are trying to climb out of, because what is happening will feed their feelings of worthlessness.
And for those suffering from depression whose family members show a lack of understanding from the start, the ensuing chaos and stress surrounding them could even topple them over the edge into suicidal thoughts.
Of course, depression manifests itself differently in each individual, and for a very small minority of people suffering from depression, the task of ’sorting things out’ could be the trigger they need to climb out of that dark pit. But this is very rare and, in any case, would only work if they were well on their way to recovery from Major Depression and looking for something to focus their recovery on. Encouraging a family member suffering from depression to do this would, in most cases, be a mistake and most people suffering from depression are unable to ‘pull themselves together’ enough to sort things out anyway.
So what can family members do when they realise that one of their number is suffering from depression? This will depend upon their circumstances and where they live, but there are some things here which may help:
Things you can do when a member of your family is suffering from Depression:
- Listen to them. Let them cry or rage or just share their thoughts of worthlessness. Don’t criticise. By all means encourage them and tell them they are valuable and that you love them, but don’t tell them they are stupid to feel this way. They cannot help it.
- Find out all you can about Depression, different types of depression, diagnosis and treatment. It should help you understand a little more about what the person suffering from depression is going through. It will also give you a means of talking to them in a way which is supportive and helpful. And if the family member does not recognise or want to admit they are depressed, a gentle and unjudgemental discussion of what you have found out could help them too.
- Sometimes the mental health professional treating a patient suffering from depression may suggest ‘family centred therapy‘. This will first have to be agreed with the patient themselves, but if this goes ahead it could be useful in coping, not only with understanding the illness affecting the family member, but as a way to set some sort of ‘coping mechanism’ in place to deal with other matters resulting from the family member’s illness. However, not all health centres are able to provide ‘family centred therapy’ and sometimes it is not considered helpful for the patient. Nevertheless, if it is there, it could be a means to help everyone cope a little better with this stressful time.
- As soon as others in the family realise that a family member is suffering from depression, it would be a good time to discuss family finances (sometimes with the depressed family member, but sometimes without - you will need to work out was you think is best), so that the lower income they will experience over the following months will not have such a harsh effect on the family budget. This is not always possible, depending on circumstances, but is well worth considering.
- Members of the family could see if they can find other families who have been through this. It shouldn’t be that difficult. Health records are, of course, confidential, but most of us know of someone who has a family member who has suffered from depression. Some people would rather not discuss this, but just as many others are very willing to talk about this time and how they coped, if only to offload some of the stress they felt. Opening up and talking to others about this is often helpful to us anyway and once we do we could well find many others who want to share their experiences. We do not have to give away any personal details about the person suffering from depression, just our feelings and fears. At times like this it really is good to talk.
- Above all else, please try not to blame the family member suffering from depression. They really cannot ‘just buck up’, in fact they would be relieved if they could. At times it will be hard not to be judgemental. None of us are saints. But sharing our problems with other family members or close friends can help relieve the stress and is much more productive than taking out our feelings on the person suffering from depression.
- Just remember that the family member suffering from depression will recover, even if they have Major Depression and things seem really bleak right now. It is often a long process of recovery, often filled with starts and stops, but the more understanding help the depressed person gets, the more they will eventually be able to cope. The family member suffering from Major Depression may relapse later, or their depression could turn into Dysthymia, but either way, an episode of Major Depression will not last for ever.
When a family member suffers from Depression, family life will be unsettled and often very stressful. There is no ‘easy fix’ I’m afraid, but there are ways to help cope with this situation. Not all of them may be available and not all will be perfect, but at least they could be a source of help.
I hope the ideas and strategies I have suggested above will at least help you find ways to cope.
